SARAH ROSE

There is a spot on the Hoover dam 
where you can have one foot in Arizona
and one foot in Nevada at the same time. 
I have stood in that spot stared out into the abyss 
and realized that I am a quantum object and I LOVE THIS! 

Something that has the ability to be in two places at once.
I wake up at 6am every day, even on the weekends
One foot in heaven and one foot in hell simultaneously
We call this…….Motherhood

The day my son was born I labored 19 hours with no pain medication.
My body tore in every direction. 
The pain radiated from the tips of my fingers directly to my butthole
I don’t even know how this is possible except its science and science said I was going to die
No one survives this.

Moments later our eyes meet.
His lips form a tiny heart that makes mine smile.
Birth is the only spiritual moment I’ve ever had
Pain turns to bliss instantly.

I have 3 children
I have 3 jobs
I have 3 times a day in which I ask myself “am I doing anything right?”
3 times a day in which I ask myself…” what the fuck is that smell?”
3 times a day in which I say to myself, slow down.
Slow down and memorize this.

Memorize this
My Henry , two years toddles over to me takes my hand in his and 
tells me he loves me for the very first time. 
5 minutes later I’m cleaning shit of the mini blinds
for those of you with no children I mean shit
actual  fecal matter in every crevice of my beautiful white window treatments.

Memorize this. 
My sweet Joel only 6 years old reads the original Frankenstein cover to cover
his umbrella eyelashes batting at all the scary parts
He spends the next 8 weeks lying diagonally in my queen size bed
toes digging into my rib cage because he says he doesn’t want to sleep with a monster.
Little does he know without sleep he is sleeping with a monster.

Memorize this. 
My son Winston, 10 years old, dedicates his first clarinet solo to a single mom in the front row. 
My heart swells, my eyes well, I imagine this same moment in 15 years
Later that night I uncover a google search on his laptop for big boobs.

Motherhood is shit and piss, and vomit, and kisses and birthdays and core memories, and endless. 
endless heaven and endless hell. 
and each day I wake up with one foot on each side
and I tell myself how lucky I am.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL?

Writing, Art & Performance by Sarah Rose